In Memoriam
This page is dedicated to the lasting memory of our laryngectomee members, acquaintances, friends, and family and the ones for whom our caregiver members have given their loving care ....
May God bless and keep them all!
MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take.
And each must go alone.
It's all a part of the Master's Plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.
- Helen Steiner Rice -
I am not there
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die….
-Mary Elizabeth Frye-
GONE FROM MY SIGHT
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an
object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at
length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky
come down to mingle each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There! She is gone!"
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in
mast and hull and spar and just as strong in beam as she was when she
left my side. She is just as able to bear her load of living freight to
the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her; and
just at the moment when someone at my side says, "She is gone!" , there
are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the
glad shout, "There she comes !".
And that is dying.
- Henry Van Dyke -
"Thanksgiving"
What am I thankful for?
Pain? Sleepless nights?
Confusion?
Anger?
Or maybe despair and desolation?
"Thankful?" you ask...
Precisely.
These feelings are my strength, my sustenance.
They are my light in a dark room,
My shelter in a hurricane,
And my parachute in a fall.
What else is there to connect
before and after?
What else to help me remember
to breathe?
(From the site Love Never Dies
http://www.loveneverdies.net/poems.html)
Where Are You?
Are you the wind that brushed across my face, today? ...The magnificent sunrise, that burst
forth, the first morning , after your sudden departure? Perhaps you’re the song coming
from the birds in our back yard? Maybe you’re the twinkle in that star that was looking
down on me last night ... the dew on the geranium on the porch? The ripple in the bay,
aside the sailboat ? Where are you???? What are you ???? How are you???? I need to
know that you’re all right! Please come to me, and meet me in my dreams ... where we
can talk and laugh and touch again, as lovers do ... and we can be together, though
two worlds apart ... where we can kiss and feel the essence of our love ... where once those
soft lips placed themselves on me ... so I will always know that you are free. Then, ... I’ll
meet you every night, at sleep, so we can play ... with not a care to bar our flight ... and
we will dance the dance with angels ... way on high ... until ... we have to stop ... and say
"GOODBYE".
Avis Kaeselau
October, 2000
Below are some thoughts from a laryngectomee widow, Avis Kaeselau, which she wrote and titled "Transition" after losing her husband to "our disease". It is offered here as another example of a way to deal with and recover from grief.
His clothes still hung, on their hangers, in our closet, neatly and untouched. Everything was in its usual place. How could I even think of getting rid of them? It would only leave another big void in my life. My husband had died a year ago and it was unthinkable to part with anything that was once the very essence of him.
He was a hard working, loving man, providing for his family, and his clothes, being modest and humble, portrayed this aspect of his life. I could picture him in every shirt that he wore on different occasions .......his favorites and not so favorite ones. Each piece had a story to tell. Deep down I fantasized that maybe this was all a dream and I would soon wake up to find him lying next to me again. So I shouldn't clear away his things, because he may need them! But this just hasn't happened and who was I kidding, but myself.
I reasoned that it seemed so insensitive, to throw his clothes into a Salvation Army bin , where they would get mixed up with everyone else's castaways, or to donate them to a thrift shop for people to scrutinize and pick over...then, to perhaps witness someone in our town wearing my husband's shirt! Maybe I could just leave them in our closet forever? That would be easy, but my life has changed dramatically since his death and I am still here, realizing that I must move on and keep living. Nothing stays the same, even though I wish it would.
Dads flannel shirts and winter sweaters were dispersed among our four children and myself, but our son and sons in law were all too big and tall to fit into his pants and cotton shirts. What could I do with them? I agonized over making the right decision. What action could I take that my conscience would allow me to live with, while gaining space in our once shared closet, soon to become solely mine? Would giving them away or tossing them out make me selfish or irreverent to his memory?
About 3am, early one morning, an answer popped into my head. Due to my belief about death, I had come up with the perfect solution. I would make a quilt from the material in the clothing......in fact, five quilts, one for each of our children and one for myself! My belief is that, when you die.....you don't ! You just change form (from body to spirit) and so it would be with his clothes. They would simply change form and be with us in a different way. This was the answer! I felt good about this idea and couldn't wait to begin the transformation!
That same day I started, carefully cutting up his shirts and pants into the same size squares. No fancy patterns, because he was not fancy or frivolous. Each sleeve and pant leg was tenderly opened to enable me to cut the flat pieces that I needed, without a seam. I was especially careful to keep his shirt pocket in tact in one of the squares, where I would eventually tuck a laminated, heart shaped photo of each child with their dad, which also had a message on the back that stated, "I'll always be with you". This would be attached to the" pocket square" with a gold cord, pinned to the inside, so it couldn't drop out, and from each article of clothing, I collected every button for my button box, which I inherited from my grandmother ( a beautiful frugal women ) and my children would someday inherit from me.
The colors and patterns were artfully coordinated into harmonizing groups and were sewn together with much thoughtful concern. Then, they were backed with a super soft fleece material and lightly stuffed with batting. Lastly, they were quilted with floss of a complimentary color and each priceless photo was placed in its respective pocket square. They were striking, simple and honest... an array of irreplaceable memories, with the added sense of touch!
When the quilts were finished, the children came to the house to get them. We sat around, each one eager to try out his special blanket, as we deeply pondered every square, recalling it's happier past. Within a few minutes, we began to notice something unusual....an "extreme" warmth that oozed from them. They seemed to exude a heat that was intensely soothing to the soul, yet so much hotter than we would have imagined any quilt could possibly produce. We immediately knew that it was dads "energy" and the warmth of his love, that we felt, then, and every time since, that we've used them..
I don't mind the emptiness in the closet, as I thought I might, knowing that when I need to be hugged and comforted, I can snuggle under my precious quilt to feel cozy, safe and loved, because his clothes haven't really vanished, they are still here with me......... like him, they've just changed form.
Avis Kaeselau
81 Elizabeth lane
So Dennis MA 02660
598-760-2877
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Clay Schwalen - Concord, CA - 1999
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Jack Wallace - Midland, TX - 1999
Mike Welsh - Rockhill Furnace, PA - 1999
Paul Fuller - Columbia, PA - 1998
Chris Marceau - Waterford, MI - 1998
Dewey Metz - Tampa, FL - 1998
Jim Reekie - Anchorage, AK - 1998
Brian MacWilliams - Nashua, NH - 1997
"Acey" Paterson - Lanark, Scotland - 1997
Bill Renison - Taos, NM - 1997
( Please send additions or corrections to: Listmgr@webwhispers.org )
(Last Updated - 08-Nov-2006)